Kick mom out!

Gentlemen, if your wife, girlfriend, etc. is anything like my wife, she has made it clear that she wants you to be involved. I have heard time and time again that the sexiest thing a man can do is help with the children. Well I am here to tell you that you might have to kick her out of the house to do it!

Does this scenario sound familiar?

Mom:"Honey will you give Jr. a bath tonight I am really tired. I would love to just get in bed and read a few magazines."

Dad: "Sure babe, I got it, go relax."

Mom: "Remember to check the water before you put him in."

Dad: "Babe, I got it. We've been doing this for 8 (insert your number here) months now, I know the routine."

Mom: "I know, but remember that time you forgot to bring the baby shampoo with you?" Again, insert your blunder here.

Mom: "Do you have the bath toys?"

Mom: "You know how he loves the green one."

Mom: "Oh, one last thing...."

As a result of all this, the baby is back in her arms and the remote is back in your hands. Which is just about the worst outcome for everyone involved. But who could blame you right? Now to be fair to the ladies, they have invested more educational hours than you on getting this all right the first time. Remember, your wives are giving it their all and when you put that much into something it can be difficult to let go. Even when they are begging for relief. What is the solution you ask?

KICK MOM OUT!

Suggested methods:



$$$$: You know that new resort/spa she mentioned from that magazine she is always quoting from? Find it and book a *night, or *weekend if you dare. Pack her bag and send her on her way.

$$$ : Purchase a gift certificate to the local day spa. Go over the babies' schedule for the day in detail. Make sure the car is washed and full of gas then give her the boot.

$$ : Call the husband of another mom she likes to hang out with and arrange a movie night for the wives to that flick neither of you wants to see. I am sure he needs to kick his wife out as well. Buy the ticket for your wife so she doesn't just go shopping for the baby with the money. Spring for candy and popcorn to go along with the movie ticket.

$ : Give your wife a $20.00 bill and send her to the bookstore. The only rule, again: No baby books or magazines.

$0.00: Send her to a friends house, or to the park with a book (see above) and some homemade snacks or lunch. Caveat, don't suggest she go out to exercise unless that was her routine long before she got pregnant. You don't want to open that can of worms. When it comes to exercise you had better go with her!

Guys, if you are reading this then I know you are or want to be conscientious fathers. You took the classes, read most of what she gave you from the time you two decided to start trying to have a baby until now, and you have been hands on a good portion of the time. If she doesn't feel as good about your skills then show off some of your moves at bath time and around the changing table more often. Then kick her out! It will be good for everyone.

*Before sending her away for the day or overnight make sure you have the schedule in your PDA/Smartphone with reminders set to go off 20 minutes before any action item is due. Have plenty of pumped milk if you are still in that stage. Lastly, have the number of at least two people with more experience (lots more) than you and who won't tell her you called for help. This way the only call you make to her is to say the baby is fine and enjoy.

The baby needs a what?

I was having a flashback to the pregnancy stage of my journey through fatherhood when the "wipe warmer" crossed my mind. My wife brought this "absolute necessity" to my attention and I just remember thinking, "the baby needs a what?" I didn't come straight out and laugh, but I did check to see if she was serious. We live in a warm climate and I can't remember the last time it was in the forties even at night. So, why did we need an electric hot box that keeps the baby wipes warm?

The reasoning, aka sales pitch, is that cold wipes are jolting to a baby. I had to look that up in the description on Amazon by the way. I guess I wouldn't want a cold wet cloth on my butt every few hours either. From the way the reviews read everyone involved is happier with warm wipes. Our family will never know the difference since the warmer has been with us from day one. So I can't vouch for it's effectiveness at making diaper changes easier or less jarring.

Now I am wondering about other outrageous baby gear. If you have one I would love to hear about it. Does it still seem unnecessary or do you hate to admit that you can't live without it?

It is never just a second

"I turned away just for a second". Before having a child I would hear that saying, or should I say excuse, and wonder in disgust how a parent could do it. I think I have an answer, unfortunately it came at my son's expense. He is fine by the way, it did more damage to me than him I am sure.

That infamous night I was flying solo. We just made it in from the park and the cold air started a very runny nose. I never want my kid to be the snot nose kid that looks neglected, so I took immediate action. We dashed into the house straight to all of the assorted baby care items in his room. I PUT HIM ON THE GUEST BED (Warning, first wrong move). The bed is purposely jammed in a corner and he is pointed toward a wall. I TURN MY BACK (Warning, second wrong move) to grab a wipe. Then I contemplate wipe or burp cloth.

THUD, yes THUD! My heart is now equally divided between my throat and the pit of my stomach. I turned back to him faster than I ever thought I could move. There he was on his back staring up at me with sheer terror in his eyes. I swoop and scoop. So far there is no crying. Then the look of terror in my eyes gets the water works and screaming going.

There I was profusely apologizing to my 11 month old son. Frantically but delicately I probed his tiny frame trying to make sure nothing is broken and that his brain isn't scrambled. I looked like a pyscho cop trying to give his first field sobriety test. After what seemed like 15 minutes (less than 5) the swell of tears subsided and the shrills came to an end.

Once I felt confident 911 was not necessary, I call the doctor then my wife. She picked up the phone and I start with Josh is fine - then I said it, "I turned away just for a second". I will deal with that conversation on another post.

Here is my theory on why parents even utter that sentence. We totally misuse the word "second". Before I had a child I would throw around this increment of time without a thought. Any length of time less than a minute was a second. You have heard them all. "Just a sec" , "One second". Going through night feedings, sleep and feeding schedules I know that every second counts. After this episode, I will never take a second for granted again. Which leads me to my final thought.

I know for a fact that it was more than a second. I even had a quick thought about how well he was staying in place on the bed. The reality of the situation was that it was more like 10 seconds. It doesn't take a crawling baby 10 seconds to get to the edge of a full sized bed. I won't give you the warnings that our wonderful pediatrician and every book I read repeated over and over. If you are striving to be a Primo Papa, you already know them.

I will just say be honest, it is never just a second.